


Five Planets Never Visited by the Excalibur

by misura



Category: Crusade
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-02
Updated: 2011-08-02
Packaged: 2017-10-23 06:04:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five planets that ought to be on any self-respecting spaceship's itinerary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Planets Never Visited by the Excalibur

01\. _the obligatory desert planet_

"Remind me again why we're _walking_ to this 'mystical place of healing'," Gideon said.

"Tradition?" Eilerson suggested. "These sorts of places always look much less impressive if you can just _fly_ there, so they tell you that the mighty oracle or wizard or whatever will only talk to people who are half-delusional after three days in the desert. Oldest trick in the book."

"Actually, I think that's the myth of Creation," Galen said.

Eilerson frowned. "What?"

"The oldest trick in the book?" Galen's lips twisted slightly. "Of course, it might depend on your book."

"On the subject of tricks: am I the only one wondering how _someone_ can be wearing a hooded, full length cloak - and a black one, at that - and yet not be the least affected by the heat?" Chambers asked.

Four pairs of eyes studied Galen, who shrugged. "Oh, did I forget to mention I'm a technomage?"

"What, so it's magic?" Eilerson snorted.

"Is that a hint of doubt I am detecting? Now, really, Maximilian."

"What _I_ want to know is: why are you here in the first place?" Gideon said.

"The killer of unwary cats?"

"Sandstorm," Dureena said.

"Curiosity," Eilerson corrected her. "It's a saying on Earth. 'Curiosity killed the cat'. It means - "

"What it means, Mr. Eilerson, is that there's a sandstorm headed our way." Gideon squinted. "Coming up pretty fast. Any bright ideas?"

For a moment, none of them spoke. The storm was clearly visible now. "Imagine getting caught in something like that in a shuttle," Chambers said.

"I'd just as soon not, thanks," Eilerson said.

"Entertaining as it is to simply stand here and watch, perhaps we might get a move on? I believe we may find some shelter on the other side of that dune over there. Or maybe that one? They all do rather look alike, don't they?" Galen turned to Gideon. "Oh well, I'm sure we can figure something out."

"Can't you just, I don't know, wave your wand and make that thing go away?" Eilerson asked.

Galen arched one eyebrow and followed Gideon as he set out in the direction of the first dune Galen had pointed at. "Honestly, Maximilian, what do you think I am?"

("A colossal pain in the ass," Eilerson muttered.)

 

02\. _the obligatory ice planet_

"Sharing bodyheat," Gideon said firmly.

Chambers kept a straight face. "Very medically responsible, captain."

 

03\. _the obligatory planet with lots of good-looking women in skimpy outfits_

Eilerson was smiling a little uncomfortably at a woman with what appeared to be cat's ears. Her tail was swishing lazily.

"Apparently," Galen said, "they trick unwary travelers by taking on the guise of that which they love."

Eilerson looked up sharply. "They _what_?"

"Interesting," Gideon said, eyeing Eilerson with a slight smirk.

Eilerson sat up abruptly, nearly shoving the woman away. "Hey! Sure, I love Mr. Kitty, but not like that! That's just _wrong_."

"Mr. Kitty?" Gideon asked, one eyebrow arched. "Something you want to share, Mr. Eilerson?"

"Oh, it's just his pet cat," Galen said dismissively. "Sorry, Matthew, nothing at all exciting. Although I must say, don't you notice a certain striking resemblance between that woman over there and your dear lieutenant?"

"I do notice there doesn't seem to be anybody around who looks the least bit like a Technomage. How's that for interesting, eh?"

"Ah." Galen smiled beatifically. "Point well taken, Mr. Eilerson."

"Can we go now?" Matheson asked.

 

04\. _the not-so obligatory planet with lots of good-looking men in skimpy outfits_

"Wouldn't they get cold at night, do you think?" Dureena idly commented to Chambers while sipping some sort of local beverage with a name Eilerson had translated as 'some kind of fruitjuice'.

"Maybe they keep sweaters somewhere?" Chambers looked around. Several men smiled at her. "Ugh."

Dureena grinned. "Think they're trying too hard?"

"Trying and _failing_ ," Chambers said. "Do these people have any concept of romance? Basic human psychology?"

"Maybe we're the ones that are supposed to be a challenge. The hunted."

Chambers scowled. "Primitive gender roles that don't even make sense. For all that we seem to be surrounded by idiots, this _is_ a technologically highly advanced society. Logic would dictate they are socially advanced as well - sufficiently advanced, at least, to no longer distinguish between male and female as archetypical patterns of behavior."

Dureena blinked. "Wow. That was a pretty complicated sentence."

"Are you _sure_ this is just fruitjuice?" Chambers peered suspiciously at the liquid still remaining in her glass. "It doesn't _taste_ like alcohol, but even so."

"I think Eilerson got in some new data crystals the other day," Dureena said.

"What kind of - oh." Chambers emptied her glass and rose mostly steadily to her feet. " _Those_ kind."

"There were six of them. _Six_." Dureena shook her head. "Only one that was any good, of course. Lousy taste in porn, that's Eilerson. Nabbed that one."

"Well then. Shall we?"

"Just look straight ahead and keep walking. Try not to giggle. Show neither fear nor weakness."

"Gotcha."

 

05\. _the planet with those you-know-whats_

Matheson looked uncomfortable. "Sir, they look exactly like - "

"I know, lieutenant." Gideon looked at the alien lifeforms that surrounded them.

"Like what?" Eilerson asked. "Over-sized teddy-bears? Kid's toys? Cartoon characters?" He took a step forwards. One of the aliens growled and pointed a primitive spear at him. "Easy there, fuzzball."

"You honestly don't know?" Gideon asked.

"Know what?"

" _Star Wars_ , sixth movie," Matheson said. "Or first trilogy, third movie."

Eilerson shrugged. "Never heard of it. Sounds kind of pompous. Pretentious. Was it any good?"

"You've never heard of _Star Wars_ ," Gideon repeated.

"Is this really relevant to our current situation?" Dureena asked, adding, when Gideon turned to her: "And no, I haven't seen it either."

"They look like Ewoks," Gideon said. "They walk like Ewoks. They _sound_ like Ewoks."

"They wave their pointy sticks at people like Ewoks, I'm sure," Eilerson said. "You want me to act as if these are fictional aliens from a fictional movie, or you want me to actually figure out what they're saying so we can find out if they know anything of value?"

"I just don't believe this." Gideon shook his head.

"Look at it from the bright side, sir," Matheson said. "We could be talking to Jar-Jar Binks."


End file.
